I do feel changed

It is fitting that I should start my period on a full moon. The girl is now 18 months old and I have been 18 months post-partum and period free until now. I'm not feeling elated and alive as I did when my fertility returned after the boy's 20 month birthday, but I do feel changed. My body has been presenting oddities for a month now: anger, sadness, hot flashes, sensitive nipples... My mind has been causing me to do impulsive, pre-children and also pregnancy related hormonal activites: shopping like mad, chopping off my hair and dying it, imagining the fun of piercings and tattoos...
(no, mother, I still to this day have no tattoos, so don't loose any sleep)

I've taken 3 pregnancy tests this month because of my odd behavoir. Thank goodness I saw only negative signs. Yesterday I wanted to run from my children. I needed space for just a moment but children don't want to be alone when mama is freaking out, understandably. So I settled for a pitiful cry in front of the kids which brought on hugs and "Its okay, Mommy" from the four year old.

I tried a new recipe that night for supper and it was given bad reviews and a sour face from the husband. That brought back my ill feelings and when the dishes were put away, I told him to watch the children because I needed to be alone. I walked to our bedroom and closed the door. I walked into our master bathroom and locked it behind me. I turned on the exhaust fan, turned off the lights and sat on the floor, crying. As my head was in my hands, I searched for words to explain why I was upset but nothing came. I accepted I just was and waited for the tears to pass. When I was done, I stood, turned on the lights, washed my face and comed my hair. When I left the sanctuary I felt over water again and found the husband playing with the kids in the living room. I suggested we go for a walk as a family.