This Week's Parenting Journey

Sunday
I actually remember little about this day. I admit I'm concerned about my short term memory and believe the culprit is a three part combination of lack of sleep, mommy brain and partying in college. I do recall an incident in the morning, however, involving a possible panic attack. First let me give some background as to why the P.A. may have taken place. The day before we had several family members over and had an overall fantastic visit. Great family days usually mean the boy and girl are well occupied and I can focus on myself, chores, cooking, chatting- you know, stuff people do when they don't have children. So the day was great and the kids were happy and there was minimal sibling rivalry. Back to Sunday morning. All the visitors having gone home, my husband wakes up and tells me he'll be going into work for a few hours. I'm used to his occasionally working on the weekends but somehow my world imploded with his words. I had been up for several hours already with the children and was ready to pass the baton, not hear that I'd be going solo until after lunch. We were all in the dining room and my breathing became shallow. I felt an odd pressure in my head and I put my hands on the side of my face. I told my husband to "watch the children, I'll be back in a minute" and proceeded to briskly walk through the house without knowing where I was going. I landed in our bedroom and thought "the bathroom!", walked in, closed and locked the door, turned off the light and sat on the floor. Of course, the boy was curious and followed me. He said "Mama, what are you doing?" and I replied with tight lips "Go find Daddy, Mommy needs a minute." I told myself to breathe all along thinking I was losing it...but then the moment passed; I was fine. I ascended from my freak out and wondered if I had experienced a panic attack so I did what any modern person with a question would do and Googled it. According to Wikipedia it could've been much worse but most likely was a panic attack. The mention of feeling like I was trapped was right on. Nonetheless, I was ready to put my mommy hat back on.

Monday
The temps were expected to surpass 100 degrees so I decided a trip to the local drop-off childcare center and then mall was in order. It's win/win, really. The boy plays for two hours straight in a cool environment with new friends and mommy goes shopping. The girl went with me and together we bought underwear, three tops and sunglasses. Just like anything else (eating, driving, etc.), trying on clothes and checking out took much longer than necessary and was more complicated than B.C. (before children). I sabotaged my trip before we stepped foot and stroller in the mall by forgetting her snacks and drink. The stores didn't open until 10:00 so we walked around with the mall walkers until Victoria's Secret lifted it's gate. The girl became quickly irritated and didn't want to participate in counting 5 pairs for $25 so we checked out and quickly exited. I parked on a bench to satiate her with mama's milk- all was well again. Next we went to Express where, upon our arrival, their dressing room became a play area and milk bar. Eventually everything was accomplished, albeit having taken two hours to visit only two stores, so we left to pick up the boy. I was happy to find him exhausted from playing well yet not tired enough to throw a fit leaving his playdate. We drove home and the children took refreshing naps while I cleaned the house for afternoon guests: win/win.

Tuesday
I chose to go to a playgroup in another town that had been organized by a member of Natural Mamas. The drive took half an hour and I felt a sense of destiny as I got closer. I thought of my difficulty parenting as of late and how perhaps speaking with women I don't normally have the chance to talk to would open up a door to wisdom. I felt reassured that's what the trip meant for me when I turned on the cd player and Raffi broke into a song about how it takes a village to raise a child. Once we arrived at the park; a well shaded vintage with sturdy structures, I felt disconnected from the other mothers but gradually began to feel more comfortable. Feeling like I was welcome couldn't be helped because I had brought all of these women, their children, their stories and advice, into my life. They asked how I was, listened well and offered their understanding- everything I needed. But oh golly, was it hot! After a few hours I loaded the children in the car, (all three of us covered in sweat and sand), and drove home.

Wednesday
I was feeling a need to be in control yesterday morning and the consequence was numerous, firmly handled time outs for the boy. I believe my militant attitude toward him was the result of having my judgment questioned by another mom several days ago, resulting in parental insecurity. I cleaned most of the morning in preparation for an afternoon playgroup at my house to which two moms came and we talked about how it is impossible to relax when our children are around. Later that evening, around 5:30, the boy fell asleep sitting up on the couch watching a show and I carried him to bed an hour later where he stayed until morning. My husband and I were given a gift when the girl fell asleep early as well. We celebrated by watching three episodes in a row of Dexter while eating tacos made with vegetarian meat.

Thursday (today)
I think I've found a happy medium with discipline. I am not yet a mom able to forgo all time outs like I would prefer but I have softened the "You must obey!" attitude of yesterday. So far the need for time out has been reduced by half and instead of using a timer and insisting he sit on his bottom, he is to count to 20 three times in his corner and can come back to play whenever he is ready to apologize and talk about feelings in a calm manner. I'm always asking him to be patient for things he wants but a little while ago I showed complete immaturity by needing to follow my own advice. I got so worked up when it was time for his nap that I sent myself to time out, which he was fine with. This week has been difficult because on top of trying to figure out the form and balance of discipline to use with my oldest child, my methods and judgment were questioned by another mom. Although this mother has yet to experience raising a three year old, it was still hard to take criticism and caused me to question my thinking. So as I look back on this week I can take comfort in knowing I've conquered self-pitying thoughts and a beastly attitude towards my child. Here's to moving on and learing more about being a mom!