How to diffuse a bomb (or, How I relearned to discipline my 3 year old)

The stress level in our home has dissipated like a ripple of water. The boy has hit, shoved and kicked less and played games and used polite words with his sister more. I haven't been angry at him once or thought nastily about how little things he does irritates me. He has asked to hold my hand when we walk together and to be picked up and has responded better than expected when asked to change activities. The patience and creativity I needed to get my son to do the things he is resistant to have been flowing out from within me. What is the magic that has inspired our good fortune? I have been following the philosophy of the Golden Rule as suggested by the book: Raising your Child Not by Force but by Love . The book's Christian angle caught me off guard because I'm not the least bit religious and tend to feel squeamish when confronted with religion, but you don't have to be Christian to get what the author, a psychologist of over twenty years at the time the book was published, was trying to say. He first speaks of how children are biologically irrational and therefore incapable of benefiting from punishment. When a child is punished, shame, guilt, anger and resentment may be created and rather than think he shouldn't have been naughty he will project his guilt onto the parent (or in this case, his parent and sister) and make himself the victim. For example, the child in time out may think "I'm so mad, Mom's always so mean and taking her side. I'm going to get my sister when Mom's out of the room." The author asks that you imagine you are the child and to treat him the way you would like to be treated; to consider a time when you were upset or mistaken and how you felt when someone forgave you and gave you another chance rather than reprimand you. What if you were arguing with your husband and he decided the best way to convince you he knew best was to scold you and stick you in a corner, causing shame, humiliation and rage. What if this was a common occurrence, would you change your behavior because you learned it was wrong or because you wanted to avoid punishment? Funny how this would be considered spousal abuse and yet it is a perfectly acceptable treatment for children. The author isn't suggesting there won't ever be a need for discipline or a cool-out period for kids in their rooms, but just to keep in mind the way you would prefer to be treated if the roles were reversed and to respond accordingly. A main theme in the book is how repeated punishment that ignores their feelings creates so much repressed rage in a child that when they are older they will no longer be receptive to the parent's authority and will become withdrawn, depressed, delinquent and possilbly turn to drugs...

I'm having a difficult time writing this because it may not be well received, therefore, I'm defensive. Not giving your child firm consequences is perceived as weak, lazy or just plain irresponsible but for me it has been cleansing and powerful. I have taken the reigns on the terrible battle within me to control him because society deems it so and the reality of not being able to control him which makes me feel like a bad parent. The approach of acceptance and guidance feels more natural to my character. Once I allowed the psychological pressure of disciplining my child to disappear, I became happier. I'm not talking about permissiveness because I haven't been ignoring his bad behavior this week, but I've been addressing it with acceptance, forgiveness and suggestions of how to make the situation better for everyone involved. And instead of our days being interrupted repeatedly with time outs (that have been ineffective), we talked about what happened, apologized where necessary and moved on with a marked improvement in his behavoir. I've decided I am here to teach, not to make matters worse by creating more negativity. I haven't felt this consistently relaxed or loving towards my child in a very long time...

If you are interested in the method, read the book. If you think it's a bunch of baloney, read the book and make an informed judgment against it. I am no seasoned debater and my argument for the book may crumble to dust if you challenge me, so reading the book for yourself is best. Either way, it's a cheap read and when you're done with your copy you can mail it to me to go into the Natural Mamas' library.

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